Gender disappointment

What gender disappointment actually is

Gender disappointment is the sadness or grief that may come when you learn your baby's sex and it isn't what you'd hoped for. It can arrive as a sudden feeling, or it can settle in slowly.

It doesn't mean you don't want this baby or love them completely. The grief isn't about the baby in front of you. It's about the baby you'd pictured and a version of your future you had already started imagining before finding out their sex.

Why it can feel so hard to name

The hardest part for many people isn't the disappointment itself — it’s the guilt or shame layered on top. There is often an expectation placed on parents to feel only grateful, which can make any other feeling seem like a sign that something is wrong with us as parents.

The reasons people feel gender disappointment vary widely. Sometimes it's a longing for a particular kind of relationship or experience you'd always imagined. Sometimes it's tied to cultural expectations, either your own or those around you, including subtle family dynamics, like already having children of one gender and imagining what it would feel like to have a different balance. Some people find that anticipating a child of a particular sex brings up their own history, their own childhood or experiences they're still working through. Whatever is underneath it, the feeling deserves to be acknowledged.

When it's worth paying closer attention

Research suggests that for many people these feelings soften with time and as the connection to the baby grows. If gender disappointment remains on your mind and starts to negatively affect how you experience pregnancy or parenting, or if it brings with it anxiety or low mood that won't lift, it may be part of a bigger picture. Anxiety and depression during pregnancy (low mood, persistent worry, a feeling of dread that doesn't ease) are common and often respond well to support.

You don't have to have the words

You don't need to be able to explain this perfectly before you say something to someone. Shame and guilt tend to lift when you let one person in.

You might say: "I've been having some complicated feelings since I found out the sex of my baby. I don't totally know how to explain it, but I wanted to tell someone."

That's enough. You don't need to have it resolved. You just need one person who can hear it without judgement. You can also use our [Services Finder] to connect with service providers who understand the perinatal period and can help you process your feelings.

If you're also navigating a previous loss

Gender disappointment can become especially layered after a pregnancy or infant loss. If the baby you lost was one sex and this pregnancy is the other, the feelings can be tangled in grief that has nothing to do with preference, and everything to do with longing and what you feel you've missed. These feelings are understandable and can coexist alongside hope and love for this pregnancy, even when that feels contradictory.

If gender disappointment has been on your mind, telling one person you trust can help. If it’s been hard to shake for more than two weeks and is causing you distress, it’s worth bringing up with a care provider.

This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings (CPMHT), and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula (Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services), as well as the following cited research and clinical practice guidelines: