The particular loneliness of this stage

During pregnancy, it’s possible to be surrounded by people who are excited about what’s happening and still feel like no one is really asking how you are doing. The questions are often about the baby, the nursery, the name. Things you may be carrying privately, like anxiety about birth, ambivalence you can't quite name, grief from a previous loss and any other challenging emotions can feel like they’re not allowed to be said out loud. It’s common to feel alone with these feelings. But pregnancy includes all emotions, and finding community and building support is possible.

Why now is the right time to think about postpartum support

While you may need support during pregnancy, there’s also good reason to start thinking about postpartum support early and not waiting until the birth. The months ahead are easier to navigate when you’ve already done some of the planning while you still have the time, energy and capacity for it. Think of it like updating your home insurance. Reaching out for support before you need it can help prevent or reduce your mental health risks and other challenges postpartum.

Postpartum mental health challenges are more common among those with minimal support. Prepping now can pay off when things get hard, which they do for almost everyone, regardless of how wanted this pregnancy is, or how capable and prepared they are.

What support actually looks like: It’s not one thing

You may not be sure what types of support you might need, so it helps to break things into specific categories. Research identifies several kinds of support that matter for wellbeing during pregnancy and after: **emotional support **(feeling heard and cared for), instrumental support (practical help with meals, logistics, tasks), informational support (knowing what to expect and where to go) and appraisal support (having someone help you make sense of what you’re experiencing).

Here are some examples of what these different types of support can look like day to day:

• Someone who asks how you’re doing and means it
• A partner or support person who takes over dinner on days when you’re struggling
• A care provider who explains what’s coming and takes your questions seriously
• A neighbour who can run an errand for you, when it’s hard to leave your home
• Another parent who has been through this and gets it without explanation
• A group, in person or online, where you don’t have to pretend to be okay
• A care provider who listens and helps with newborn care guidance

You don’t need one person to provide all of these types of support. Most people don't have that capacity, and expecting it from a single relationship puts a lot of pressure on everyone.

One small starting point

The goal is one concrete step. Some places to start:

• Identify one person who asks real questions, not just baby questions, and tell them something real about how you’re doing. This can be an old friend or a family member, or maybe someone who is fairly new to your life.
• Think about what kind of support you most need right now: someone to talk to, someone to help practically, someone to just show up. Naming the need makes it easier to ask for help. Be open-minded — sometimes people you might not have initially thought of make great support people. A senior community member might have more flexibility for some practical support than your best friend who’s juggling a toddler and a full-time job.
• Look for a peer support group, doula or counsellor in your area who may be able to provide guidance during pregnancy and beyond. Your midwife, OB or family doctor can often point you toward one, or our Service Finder can connect you with local perinatal support services.

Connecting with other parents who have lived experience during this period is proven to be helpful.

If asking for help feels more difficult than giving it (which is true for a lot of people), it may help to make the request very specific. "Would you be willing to bring dinner once a week after the baby comes?" is much easier for someone to say yes to than a vague request for support, which is often answered by “let me know if you need anything.” People often want to help and connect with others, but aren’t always sure how they can help — so help them by letting them know!

Remember, though, that if someone says “no,” it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or don’t want to help at all. Sometimes people might not have the bandwidth to commit to something regular over a longer period of time, and they don’t want to disappoint you. Also, someone who hates cooking and might not have the budget to get you take-out once a week might not be the best person to ask for help with meal planning. However, they might be willing to drive you to appointments, or help you with some cleaning around the home.

A special note to “pet parents”: Many postpartum families are surprised by the level of need they have for support with pet care after the baby is born. It’s a good idea to reach out to people who can help with pets and have a plan in place before you need it.

What to say at your next appointment

One sentence can be enough: "I've been feeling quite alone in this, and I'm not sure I have enough support around me."

A trusted care provider who hears that can offer a referral, suggest a group, recommend a care provider, or simply acknowledge that the feeling is real and worth taking seriously. The second trimester, when there is (most often) still time before the intensity of late pregnancy and early parenthood, is exactly the right moment to raise the issue. This applies whether you’re the one who is pregnant or the partner supporting them.

Pick one person and one type of support you can ask of them. Send one specific message about what would help. If you’re not sure where to start or who to turn to, our Service Finder can connect you with perinatal support services in your area.

This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings CPMHT, and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services, as well as the following cited research and clinical practice guidelines: