Preparing your village before baby arrives

Because we no longer live in close-knit communities, many of us reach parenthood having rarely witnessed the reality of life with a newborn. We don't often see the sleepless nights, the endless feeding, the recovery from birth or the practical challenges of caring for a baby around the clock. As a result, it's easy to assume we'll simply figure it out when the time comes.

At the same time, many new parents are struggling with the absence of support but don't always talk about it. From the outside, it can look like everyone else is managing just fine, creating unrealistic expectations for the parents who come after them.

The truth is that babies have always been raised within communities. In those early weeks, when a newborn's needs are constant and recovery is still underway, it becomes clear just how valuable a village can be. Parents often find themselves trying to feed themselves, manage household tasks, respond to messages, care for older children, recover from birth and care for a baby all at once. By that point, support can feel urgent.

Why it's easier to plan now rather than later

The early weeks at home are a stretch of fast adjustment. Sleep comes in pieces, recovery is real and the day fills up with your newborn's needs. The demands run high while spare capacity runs low, which is exactly why lining things up now, with weeks still ahead, beats trying to organize it in the fog of week two after birth. Rather than waiting to see if you’ll need help, assume you will. All new parents need help, society just hasn’t done a good job of giving you that heads up. Having help and support in place before you need it is a better strategy.

It's also worth remembering that support is often hardest to ask for when you need it most. Not only does exhaustion have a way of shrinking your bandwidth, but conversations that seem straightforward now (e.g., asking for a meal, arranging a visit, saying no to guests) can feel surprisingly difficult when you're sleeping in two-hour stretches.

Having enough support is linked to better wellbeing for new parents, and not having enough is a recognized risk factor for mood and anxiety difficulties after birth. That’s why building support can be a genuinely protective move, not just a nice-to-have.

What a village is actually made of

The concept of a “village" stays vague until you break it into the kinds of help it's made of. Useful support tends to come in a few forms: practical (meals, laundry, errands, baby care, guidance), emotional (someone to talk to honestly), informational (someone who's done this and can answer questions about postpartum recovery and baby care), and formal or clinical (medical care providers, mental healthcare support, doulas, feeding specialists, peer groups).

One reason people sometimes feel unsupported, even when they have people around them, is that the support they receive isn't what they actually need. Plenty of new parents have experienced a house full of visitors, but nobody is loading the dishwasher. The goal isn't simply to have people nearby, it's also to have the right kinds of help available when you need it.

It helps to assign specific support across the areas you’ll need it, which typically fall into a handful of tasks: managing visitors, protecting rest and sleep, food and hydration, feeding support and time for your own basic care.

Mapping your people, honestly

One way to start building your village is to make a list of the tasks and responsibilities that keep your household running. Think beyond baby care:

• Walking or dogsitting the dog
• Preparing meals
• Grocery shopping
• Laundry
• Cleaning and tidying
• School or daycare drop-offs and pick-ups
• Caring for older children
• Yard work or snow removal
• Managing appointments
• Answering messages and coordinating visitors
• Running errands and picking up prescriptions
• Paying bills and managing household logistics

Beside each task, write down the people who might realistically be able to help.

Be honest about the gaps. Knowing where you have support and where you may need to seek more is important, before you're too exhausted and overwhelmed. If there are gaps, this is the time to explore options: house cleaning services, meal trains or services, postpartum doulas, dog walkers, childcare support, parenting groups, neighbours or community programs in your area.

And remember that your village does not have to look traditional. For some families, it’s grandparents and siblings. For others, it’s close friends, neighbours, members of a faith community, people they met through parenting groups or people they hired to provide support. What matters is reliability.

Asking for help and setting the terms

Most people freeze a little when they think about asking for help.

Don’t be afraid to make requests that are specific and concrete. Most people don’t know how to help and appreciate some direction. You can keep a running list of things that need doing on your phone or fridge, so when someone comes to visit or asks, “How can I help?” you have the answer.

Asking for help doesn’t come naturally to some of us, but if you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, think about how happy you’d be to support someone when they need it.

It can also help to have a “gatekeeper,” often the partner, to field and arrange visitors so the birthing parent doesn't have to. It may be required to set boundaries with some of your support people during this time, if the support they’re offering doesn’t work for you or your partner, or if it causes stress.

Knowing the difference between a request and a boundary

Making a request and setting a boundary are two different things. Setting boundaries gives us the best chance of the other person changing unwanted behaviour. Here’s an example showing how setting a boundary rather than making a request is a firmer way of managing expectations:

Request: “Can you please call me at 8 p.m. after the baby has gone to sleep?” → When we make a request, people can say yes, no or counter-offer.

Boundary: “Please do not call me after 9 p.m. I won’t be answering calls during that time. I need to protect my sleep. The baby is getting up several times a night.” → This communicates what is okay for you right now and what we will or will not do in response to other people’s actions.

Boundaries aren't rules for other people; they're clear statements of what you're okay with and a way to keep the village sustainable.

If you're the non-birthing parent: A lot of this can sit with you, and that's a real contribution, not a backseat role. The most useful job to take on early is the gatekeeper one: be the person who answers the visitor texts, says "not today" when rest matters more, and arranges the meal drop-offs. It takes a steady stream of small decisions off the recovering parent's plate, which is often exactly what helps most.

Bringing it to your care provider

The topic of support is worth raising at your next medical appointment. You can keep it plain: "I'm worried I won't have much support at home once the baby's here."

Having little or no support network is a recognized risk factor for mood and anxiety difficulties after birth, and a provider who hears it early can line things up, such as a referral or a peer group.

The value of connecting with other parents, in particular, is evidence-based, not just pleasant. Trained peer support has strong evidence behind it for the perinatal period.

Pick one person and one specific ask, and send the message today. One real message — a meal, an hour of sleep, a standing weekly visit — does more than thinking about "building your village" in the abstract. When you're ready, our [Services Finder] can connect you with perinatal support near you. Plenty of families use it, and you don't need to know exactly what you need to get started.

This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings (CPMHT), and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula (Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services), as well as the following cited research and clinical practice guidelines: