It's okay to miss who you were

Missing parts of your old life does not necessarily mean you regret becoming a parent. You can love your child deeply and still miss the version of yourself that existed before they arrived. Both things can be true at the same time. Part of what makes this so hard is the cultural noise around parenthood. The messages are everywhere: good parents sacrifice everything, stay constantly vigilant, and find joy in every second. This noise is often made worse by comparison with peers. When the reality of new parenthood doesn't match that expectation, it's easy to assume something is wrong with you.

When your sense of self shifts

When you become a parent, the roles that once helped define you — like your work, your friendships, your hobbies, even your own body — suddenly have less space. The role of "parent" takes up much more. It’s common to find yourself feeling like a stranger in your own life, even on the days when everything is technically going fine. This is especially true in the first few months. If you feel disconnected from yourself, it’s not because you’ve lost who you are, but because who you are is actively changing and evolving into this new parent version of yourself. That shift takes time to get used to, and it doesn't happen on a neat timeline. It’s normal to not feel like yourself for a while. If you’re finding this process difficult to cope with, you can explore the exercise below as a way to connect with your current self while you’re in this transformative time of life.

A note for non-birthing parents: This isn't just a biological or birthing parent experience. Non-birthing parents go through their own version of this identity shift. Your routines change, relationships transform, and your old self can feel just as distant. The disorientation of early parenthood belongs to both of you.

Reconnecting with what still matters to you

Reminding ourselves of our values can help us feel less lost. If you're feeling a little too lost, a useful place to start is asking yourself: “what still matters to me?” Not what a good parent is supposed to value. Not what parenting culture says you should prioritize. But what actually matters to you now. Start with what has always felt true about you. What do you care about? What kind of person do you want to be, not just as a parent but in general? The aim is to stay connected to what still matters to you. Reconnecting to self doesn’t necessarily mean holding on to the person you were before parenthood. Parenthood changes us in ways we cannot predict. Being open to these new parts of ourselves as they emerge is part of the reconnecting process.

Connecting with a counsellor or therapist that works with people in the perinatal period can help you during this time of identity shifting. You can use the Service Finder to find a provider that works for you.

In the meantime, you can use the below exercise to help you to start thinking about your values today.

Reconnection can be small

It’s likely that you can’t get a free afternoon or a weekend away, although that would be nice! So try reconnecting with yourself in small ways, like reaching out to a friend, listening to music you love, or spending 10 minutes doing something you enjoy doing that fits into your current life. This may mean you need to speak with your partner or reach out to a support person. Rather than waiting for someone to offer, it’s better to ask – for example: “I think spending some time in the garden might be good for me. Could you come home a little early and take care of the baby so I can have a cup of tea in the garden?” Try the Values Map exercise. If you feel up to it, this exercise can help you identify one value that feels important right now, and one small action that reflects it. Take 10 minutes with it — it can be a surprising way to reconnect with who you are beyond your role as a parent.

How to do it:

1. Recall a favourite memory: Think of a moment from before (or during) parenthood where you felt like yourself.

2. Scan the list of values: Look at the values below. Which ones were present in that memory, or resonate with you right now? (feel free to add your own).

3. Shortlist: From the ones you noticed, pick the top three to five that feel most important to you now.

4. Take one micro-action: Choose one of those top values and ask yourself “What is one small thing I can do this week to honour that value? For example, if you value time in nature, you might plan to take a walk (with or without the baby) on a nearby trail.

Sample values: Adventure, Nature, Balance, Community, Creativity, Curiosity, Exploration, Family, Freedom, Fun, Growth, Honesty, Joy, Love, Making a difference, Openness, Simplicity, Spontaneity, Strength, Thankfulness, Trustworthiness, Understanding, Friendship, Movement.

If this exercise is helpful to you, you may want to take a screenshot to keep on your phone or computer, or jot down the values somewhere you can reference if you plan to connect with a counsellor or therapist — this can be a good starting point for conversation. You may also want to share it with your partner, who is likely experiencing an identity shift of their own. You can use the Service Finder to explore service providers available to you.

This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings CPMHT, and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services, as well as the following cited research and clinical practice guidelines: