Summary
Watching someone you love struggle with fertility, pregnancy, postpartum, or with a pregnancy or infant loss, can feel frightening, isolating and frustrating. You may find yourself searching for the right thing to say, second-guessing whether to bring something up, or quietly carrying your worry.
You don't need to fix this, or rush it, although this may be your initial instinct. Support and care for someone struggling with their mental health often means just being there for them. This is true for partners and loved ones across all families, whatever your relationship or home looks like.
You don't have to have the answer
It’s natural to want to solve the problem, especially when someone you care about is in pain. But perinatal mental health issues are not problems you can solve with the right words or enough effort. Your role is to listen without judgement, help reduce the load, stay close, check in regularly and support your loved one to connect to the right care if and when they need it.
How to recognize when it's more than just a bad day
Perinatal mental health issues don't always look the way people expect. It's not always crying, and it's not always obvious. You might find that your partner or loved one seems more irritable than sad, more withdrawn than upset, more worried and on edge, or even angry. Some people go quiet. Some become hypervigilant about the baby. Some describe feeling numb, or like they're watching their own life from a distance.
Signs that something may be more than a hard time:
- Constant worry that doesn't ease, even when things are fine
- Irritability or emotional swings that feel out of proportion
- Pulling away from you, the baby or people they're usually close to
- Trouble sleeping even when sleep is available
- Saying they can't cope, or that they don't feel like themselves
- Loss of interest in things they usually care about
If your partner or loved one says something like “everyone would be better off without me,” or that they “don't want to be here,” that’s a sign to reach out for professional support right away. If you don’t have one, our [Services Finder] can help connect you with a care provider you can both talk to.
What helps day to day: Three habits
Partners, friends and family members often want to help but don't know where to start. These three habits won't fix everything, but research suggests they make a real difference. Ask. Ask your partner an open-ended question daily. Not just "Are you okay?", because that's too easy to deflect. Instead, try: "What part of today has been hardest?" “What part of today has been better?” "Is there anything weighing on your mind right now?" They may not have much to say, and that's okay — asking tells them you're paying attention and you’re there to listen when they feel the need.
Do. Take something off their to-do list they’d appreciate without waiting to be asked: do the laundry, bring home dinner, pick up things on the shopping list. The mental load of delegating is its own burden. When you just do it, you lift two things at once: the task, and the weight of having to ask.
Instead of asking "What can I do to help?", try: “I’m at the grocery store picking up groceries. Can I pick up xxx and xxx for dinner?”
Stay. Simply listen and be with them. When your loved one shares something difficult, resist the urge to immediately reassure, change their mind or feelings, or problem-solve. Sit with it first. "That sounds really hard" lands better than "I'm sure it'll get better." Feeling heard matters more than having an answer or taking immediate action.
When things feel urgent
Sometimes, distress is a moment of crisis. Your partner or loved one may be feeling panicked, shutting down completely, crying and unable to stop, or saying they can't cope. In these moments, your job is not to find the right solution. It's to help them feel safe and stay present and available, while the moment passes.
What to try:
- Slow your own breathing — you don't need to tell them to breathe, just model it and they may follow
- Use a calm, quiet voice, and simple words that are already part of your vocabulary — "I'm right here, take your time"
- Position yourself so that you’re present and available, but also not too close, without crowding — your physical presence matters
- If they're comfortable with touch, a hand on the shoulder or a gentle caress can help
- Reduce noise and stimulation where you can (e.g., step away from a screen, lower the volume)
- Try a simple grounding exercise together — name five things you can both see, four you can touch, three you can hear
Think of these actions as emotional first aid: immediate support in a difficult moment, until the person feels more settled or can access more help. If you or someone you know expresses thoughts of harming themselves or not wanting to be here, this is a medical emergency. Call 9-1-1, or the Suicide Crisis Helpline at 9-8-8.
Start small today
Ask one specific open-ended question today. Our [Services Finder] can connect you with a care provider you can both talk to.
This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings (CPMHT), and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula (Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services).