Grief often pops up when you least expect it. You may have had a previous miscarriage or loss. You may have lost a family member or friend. Your relationship may have ended. Or you may be struggling with some other unexpected upsetting reality. You don’t magically stop feeling hard things when you become pregnant. You can be pregnant and genuinely happy about the pregnancy and still be carrying grief and other hard feelings. Both things can be true at once, even if the people around you expect you to feel only one or the other.

Two things can be true at once

You can carry a pregnancy and grief. Both are real and they don’t cancel each other out.

This isn’t a sign something is wrong with you, that you don’t want the pregnancy or that you love what you’ve lost any less. Happiness, hope and grief can live in the same body at the same time, and for many people they do during pregnancy. Talking honestly about your feelings and the fact that you’re grieving can be difficult for some. You may worry about sounding ungrateful or having to explain your feelings in a lot of detail to someone else who just doesn’t understand.

Why it feels invisible

Pregnancy is considered a reason for celebration. There are announcements, showers and comments like “You must be so excited!” When your inner experience doesn’t feel celebratory or includes more difficult emotions like grief, you may feel isolated or even ashamed.

Grief doesn't wait for a convenient moment. It doesn't pause because a new pregnancy has started, or because you're “supposed” to be happy now. It moves on its own timeline, and sometimes that timeline runs right through the middle of something you also want.

Holding the pregnancy at a distance

Some people find themselves not fully letting the positive emotions and thoughts around pregnancy in. They hold off on telling people, don't buy anything for the baby yet, or find it hard to feel emotionally attached to the pregnancy in the way they expected.

If that's you: this is a coping response. It makes sense. When you've been hurt before, protecting yourself from the possibility of being hurt again is something a lot of people do. Especially for those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss.

If you’re not the birthing parent: The person you love may be quieter about the pregnancy than you expected — less excited, more cautious, harder to read. That distance is likely protection, not indifference. Tonight, or whenever it feels right, try asking just one question: "How are you actually feeling?" and leave space for whatever the answer is. You don't have to fix anything. You just have to ask.

Grief is not only experienced during pregnancy by the pregnant person. As the non-birthing parent, you may also be faced with grief and loss connected to a previous miscarriage or infant loss, or other upsetting life event. You may also be coping with conflicting emotions of happiness for this pregnancy, and anger and grief related to other past or present situations. The information here applies to you as well. In addition to checking in with your partner, also consider reaching out to them for support and being honest with them about how you’re feeling. Hopefully you’re able to support each other through this time and provide each other with a safe space to be honest about all the things you’re feeling right now. You and/or your partner may also find value in reaching out to others for support. If it feels right, you can access services through our Service Finder.

Grief doesn't follow a timeline

Grief doesn’t suddenly disappear when we enter a new, exciting stage in our lives, like a pregnancy. Milestones can bring up grief in unexpected ways: a scan at the same stage as a previous loss, a due date of a previous lost pregnancy that passes quietly, the birthday of a family member who will never meet this baby. These moments can bring intense feelings of grief even when you thought you'd moved on. Remember, healing from grief is a process, and there is no way to “grow over” it. People grow around loss, and it will always have a place in our lives, but there will be times when the grief feels more painful and present. There should be no expectation that you will be “over it” before you give birth.

Acknowledging and processing your grief in healthy ways is important, as perinatal loss (miscarriage and infant loss) and grief can raise your risk for perinatal mental health challenges during pregnancy and postpartum.

You don't have to resolve this and you don’t have to carry it alone

You may feel pressured to make peace with your grief and find gratitude. But you’re allowed to hold both things for as long as you need to.

For many parents, reaching out to someone, or seeking out a specific service provider, can help navigate these feelings. If there is someone in your life you’d like to share this with, a text can be enough. Carrying something alone is heavier than carrying it together. Pick a person who won’t panic or try to fix it and text them, “I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about the pregnancy right now, and I was wondering if you’d be okay with me sharing a bit of that with you.” It can be that simple.

When to seek more support

Someone who specializes in working with people in the perinatal period can help without you having to explain from scratch why this is hard. When you're ready, our Service Finder can connect you with perinatal mental health support and grief services near you.

Worth thinking about now: The weight you’re carrying doesn't automatically lift after birth, and it may never completely go away. Having a plan to reach out to a support person if grief surfaces in the weeks ahead is a good idea.

Whatever you’re feeling right now is real. Telling one person honestly how you are — not performing the expected pregnancy emotions, not pretending the grief isn't there — is enough for today.

This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings CPMHT, and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services, as well as the following cited research and clinical practice guidelines: